i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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