Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
