he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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