There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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