ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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