OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
