My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
