Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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