i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
