i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
