I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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