I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
