i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
