I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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