So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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