And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
