im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize