So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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