Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
