i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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