She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
