i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
