Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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