After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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