I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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