WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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