That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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