I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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