God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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