apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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