I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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