Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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