This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
