drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
