This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
