i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
