new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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