Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize