FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize
