Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
