i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Randomize
