I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I did not marry a roomba.
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