The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize