I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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