you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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