everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you didnt know i had herpes?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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