see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
