Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
