So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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