I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize