Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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