i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So much Jack, so little girl.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
