Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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