I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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