The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I need moral support for this bender
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
