shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
