Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
