I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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